Before you arrive
Answer an invitation within a day or two, and treat your yes as binding. Mention an allergy or a dietary restriction when you accept, never at the table. Do not bring anyone who was not invited without asking first, and ask in a way that makes it easy for the host to decline. For a dinner, arriving five to ten minutes after the stated time is ideal. Arriving early catches the host in the last and worst quarter hour of preparation.
What to bring
Bring something in the range of fifteen to thirty dollars. A bottle of wine is the standard, and it is a gift for the host's cellar and not a contribution to tonight's table, so do not expect it to be opened. Cut flowers are generous but oblige a busy host to stop and hunt for a vase, so bring them already in one or send them the day before. If you offered to bring a dish, bring it ready to serve, in a dish you do not need back that night.
At the table and in the house
- Put your phone away on arrival and leave it there.
- Talk to the people you do not know, since the host invited them for a reason.
- Stay out of closed rooms, cabinets and the refrigerator unless you are invited in.
- Offer once to help clear, and accept the answer you get.
- Watch for the signs that the evening is closing, and do not be the last to leave unless you are asked to stay.
Staying overnight
State your arrival and departure times in advance, and keep a visit to three nights unless pressed to stay longer. Fit into the household's hours for rising and meals. Keep your things contained in your room, keep the bathroom as you found it, and ask on the last morning whether the host wants the bed stripped. Take your hosts out to dinner once, or buy and cook a meal.
Afterward
Send thanks the next day. A text or short email that mentions something specific, such as a dish or a person you enjoyed meeting, is right for a casual dinner. A handwritten note of three or four sentences is right after a formal dinner or a weekend stay. Then return the invitation within a couple of months.
Tip If you break or spill something, tell the host at once, apologize once, and offer to pay for the cleaning or replacement. Hiding it is the only unforgivable version.
