Better questions
Closed questions get one-word answers and leave you doing all the work. Asking a man where he works gets a company name. Asking how he ended up in that line of work gets a story, and a story gives you five things to ask about next. Good openers are about the situation you share, such as how someone knows the host or what brought them to the event. The follow-up is where conversation actually happens. Pick up the most specific thing the person just said, the odd detail or the thing they lit up about, and ask for more of it.
Listening properly
Most people do not listen. They wait, and rehearse what they will say when the other person stops. Let the person finish, leave a beat of silence, and respond to what was said instead of to what you had prepared. A pause of two seconds feels long to you and thoughtful to everyone else. Put the phone away completely. A phone on the table, even face down, tells the other person they are holding your attention only until something better arrives.
The named mistakes
- The one-up is answering someone's story with a bigger one of your own, and it turns their moment into your stage.
- The hijack is steering every topic back to yourself within a sentence or two.
- The interview is firing question after question while offering nothing of your own, which becomes an interrogation.
- The fix is answering a problem with advice when the person only wanted to be heard.
A reasonable balance is to talk a little less than half the time. Offer something of your own after every couple of questions, so that the exchange runs both ways.
Groups, and getting out
In a group, notice who has not spoken and bring them in with a question they can answer easily, tied to something you know about them. When a newcomer joins, give them a one-line summary of the topic so they are not left standing outside it. Leaving a conversation takes only honesty. Say that you have enjoyed talking, mention one thing you will remember from it, shake hands and go. Introducing the person to someone else before you leave is the most graceful exit of all.
Tip Remember one detail from each conversation, such as a trip coming up or a child's name, and ask about it the next time you meet. Nothing else you can do makes a stronger impression for so little effort.
