What counts as consent
Consent means that a person agrees to a particular sexual act, freely and knowingly, at the time it happens. Each part of that sentence matters. Agreement must be free, which rules out pressure, threats, guilt and repeated asking until someone gives in. Agreement is specific, so a yes to kissing is not a yes to anything further, and a yes to sex with a condom is not a yes to sex without one. Agreement is current, so a yes last week, or an hour ago, can become a no now. Being in a relationship, or married, does not change any of this.
When consent is impossible
A person who is asleep, unconscious or incapacitated by alcohol or drugs cannot consent, whatever they said earlier. Signs of incapacity include slurred speech, stumbling, vomiting, confusion and drifting in and out of awareness. If you are wondering whether someone is too drunk, they are, and the evening ends with getting them home safely. A person below the legal age of consent cannot consent either. That age is set by each state, generally between sixteen and eighteen, and many states add rules about age gaps and about adults in positions of authority.
How to ask
Asking is not awkward when it is done plainly, and most people find it attractive to be considered. Use statements and then wait for an answer:
- "I would like to kiss you."
- "Tell me if you want me to slow down or stop."
- "I want to be sure you are comfortable with this."
- "Show me what you like."
Look for an active yes in words or unmistakable action. Stillness, silence, pulling away, a frozen posture or a hesitant "I guess" all mean stop and check in. Nobody owes a reason for a no.
Hearing no, and saying it
When a partner says no or hesitates, stop immediately and say something simple, such as "Okay. Thank you for telling me." Do not sulk, bargain or ask again in ten minutes, because pressure turns the next yes into something that is not consent. When the no is yours, you may say it at any point, including partway through, and "I want to stop" is a complete sentence. Talk about limits, contraception and testing for infections before clothes come off, when both of you can think clearly.
Note If something happened to you without your consent, it was not your fault. The National Sexual Assault Hotline, at 800-656-4673, is free, confidential and open at all hours.
