Know what tends to vary
Customs differ along a short list of lines, and knowing the list tells you where to look.
- Greetings range from a handshake to a bow, a kiss on the cheek or no touch at all, and in some communities unrelated men and women do not shake hands.
- Shoes come off at the door in many households, so look for a row of them by the entrance.
- Food carries rules about pork, beef, alcohol and fasting, and in much of the Middle East and South Asia the left hand is traditionally kept away from shared food.
- Time is strict in some places and loose in others, and a social start time may be a suggestion.
- Directness varies, and in many cultures "that may be difficult" is a firm no.
- First names are often reserved for friends and family until you are invited to use them.
Twenty minutes of homework
Before a trip, a wedding, a religious service or a dinner in an unfamiliar tradition, spend twenty minutes reading about greetings, dress, gifts and table customs. Learn hello, please and thank you in the language, and learn the person's name: ask how it is pronounced, repeat it and write it down the way it sounds. Nobody expects fluency, and everybody notices effort.
In the room
Follow the host. Wait a beat to see how you are greeted and return the same gesture, letting the other person decide whether there is touch. Watch what others do before you eat, sit or take a photograph. When you cannot tell, ask: "I'd like to do this properly, so please tell me whether I should take my shoes off." At a religious service, tell an usher that you are a guest and ask what is expected.
When you get it wrong
You will, as everyone does. Apologize briefly, correct the behavior and move on: "I'm sorry, I didn't know. Thank you for telling me." A long apology makes your host manage your embarrassment.
People are not their passports
Customs describe groups, and you are dealing with an individual who may follow all of a tradition, some of it or none. Do not ask anyone to speak for an entire culture, do not guess at origins from a face or a name, and do not press about where a person is really from.
Tip When colleagues or neighbors invite you to a holiday meal or a ceremony from their tradition, say yes if you can, and ask the host what a guest should wear and bring.
