What to say
You do not need the right words, because there are none. You need a few honest ones. "I am so sorry. I am here, and I am not going anywhere" covers a death, a diagnosis, a layoff and a divorce. If you do not know whether your friend wants ideas or an ear, say so: "Tell me whether you want help thinking this through or just someone to listen. I am good for either." Then tolerate silence. A friend who can sit through a long pause is more useful than one with advice.
What to leave out
- Skip any sentence that begins with "at least," because it tells a person their pain is smaller than they think.
- Skip "everything happens for a reason" and every cousin of it.
- Skip your own similar story, unless you are asked for it.
- Skip "let me know if you need anything," which hands a tired person the work of inventing a task and asking for it.
Offer something specific
People in crisis rarely ask, but they usually accept. Replace the open offer with a concrete one that needs only a yes. "I am dropping off dinner on Tuesday, and I will leave it on the porch so you do not have to host me." "I am free Saturday morning to drive you to the appointment." The unglamorous jobs help most: meals, rides, childcare, pet care, laundry, and sitting on hold with an insurer.
Keep showing up
Support arrives in a flood during the first week and has largely dried up by the fourth, which is about when the real weight lands. Put reminders in your calendar for two weeks, six weeks and three months out. Note the hard dates too, including the birthday of the person who died and the first major holiday without them. "Thinking of you today, and no need to reply" takes ten seconds to send.
Know the limits
You are a friend and not a clinician. If the low mood runs for weeks, or your friend cannot function, encourage a doctor or therapist and offer to help find one. If your friend talks about wanting to die, take it seriously and ask about it directly, since asking does not plant the idea. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline answers calls and texts at any hour, and 911 is for immediate danger.
Tip When you bring food, use containers that do not need to be returned, and label them with the contents and the reheating instructions.
