What the pattern looks like
Every couple argues. What separates a rough patch from an unhealthy relationship is direction and fear. In a rough patch, both people are trying and the trouble has a cause you can name. In an unhealthy pattern, one person's world gets steadily smaller, and that person begins editing their own behavior to avoid the other's reaction.
- Your partner discourages or punishes time with your friends and family.
- Your partner checks your phone, demands your passwords or tracks your location, and calls it caring.
- Your partner controls the money, including your access to your own earnings.
- Jealousy and accusations arrive regularly, and you are blamed for causing them.
- Your partner insults or humiliates you, then says you are too sensitive or that it never happened.
- You are pressured or guilted about sex.
- Your partner makes threats, breaks your belongings, blocks a doorway or drives recklessly to frighten you.
Overwhelming early intensity, with pressure to commit within weeks, often comes before control and is easily mistaken for romance. Abuse occurs in every kind of relationship and happens to people of every gender, income and education.
Test your own reading
People inside a pattern explain it away one incident at a time. Write incidents down with dates, in a place your partner cannot reach, and read the list after a month. Notice whether you rehearse conversations to prevent an explosion or feel relief when your partner is away. Tell one trusted person outside the relationship the unedited version and ask what they see.
Where to get help
The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential and answers at any hour at 1-800-799-7233. You may also text START to 88788 or chat online. You do not need to be sure it is abuse, and you do not need to be ready to leave. Advocates will help you make a safety plan. If your devices may be monitored, use a friend's phone or a library computer. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.
If you decide to leave
The period around leaving is the most dangerous one, so plan it quietly with an advocate. Gather identification, bank cards, medications, keys, cash and a charged phone, and store copies with someone you trust. Couples counseling is not recommended where one partner fears the other.
Note If the person in trouble is a friend, say, "I am worried about you, and I am here whatever you decide." Skip the ultimatums, which tend to push people back toward the partner, and stay in steady contact.
