The first two weeks
Expect the early days to be physical. Sleep goes, appetite goes, and concentration drops to a few minutes at a time. Eat at regular hours whether or not you are hungry, get outside in daylight, keep alcohol modest, and move your body every day even if it is only a walk. Tell two or three friends what happened and what you need. "I do not need advice yet, but I would like company on Thursday" is a reasonable request, and good friends are relieved to be given a job.
Handle the logistics early
Shared practical ties keep a breakup open long after the conversation has ended. Close them within the first few weeks, in one batch if you can.
- Return belongings in a single exchange, or by mail, rather than in a series of visits.
- Change the passwords on any account your ex has used, and remove yourself from theirs.
- Separate shared subscriptions, phone plans and any joint bills.
- Settle the lease in writing with the landlord if you lived together, because both names stay liable until the lease says otherwise.
- Agree on who keeps a pet, and put any shared costs in writing.
A real period of no contact
Set a fixed stretch without contact, and thirty to sixty days is a sensible minimum. That means no messages, no checking their accounts, and no asking mutual friends for bulletins. Every contact restarts the clock on the worst of the feeling. The late-night checkup text is the first named mistake. The attempt to be close friends immediately is another, and it usually serves the hope of getting back together. A third is a new relationship started chiefly to stop the ache.
What recovery looks like
It does not run in a straight line. You will have a good week followed by a bad Tuesday set off by a song or a street corner, and that is normal rather than a relapse. Rebuild the routine the relationship used to fill, especially weekend mornings and the hour after work. If, after several weeks, you still cannot work, sleep or eat, see a therapist or your doctor. If you have thoughts of harming yourself, call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, which answers at any hour.
Note Hold off on large, irreversible decisions for a couple of months. The urge to move across the country, quit a job or send a long letter is strong in the first weeks and is usually weaker by the eighth.
