The briefing to ask for
A week ahead, sit down with your partner for ten minutes and collect the facts. You want names and how each person prefers to be addressed, who will be there, what the family already knows about you, any dietary or religious customs of the house, the dress standard, and the sleeping arrangements if you are staying overnight. Ask which subjects are sore, and ask what each person loves to talk about, which is the more useful half. Agree on a signal for "please rescue me" and on a rough departure time.
The gift and the arrival
Arrive on time, which for a family meal means within ten minutes of the hour named. Bring something in the range of fifteen to thirty dollars: good chocolates, a potted plant, a specialty from your hometown, or flowers already in a container so the host does not have to hunt for a vase. Ask your partner whether the family drinks before you bring wine. Greet everyone, including children and grandparents, by name.
During the visit
- Put your phone away and keep it away for the whole meal.
- Offer to help once with setting up and once with clearing, and accept a refusal gracefully.
- Ask questions and follow up on the answers, because families warm fastest to a guest who is curious about them.
- Eat what you reasonably can, and praise something specific.
- Drink less than you would with friends, whatever anyone else is doing.
- Keep physical affection with your partner modest, and follow the house rules about bedrooms without comment.
Answer questions about yourself honestly and briefly. Trying too hard is more tiring to watch than quiet good manners.
The named mistakes
Do not take a side in a family disagreement, even when invited to and even when the side is your partner's. Do not complain about your partner or tell the embarrassing story, however affectionately. Do not debate politics or religion on a first visit. If someone is cool toward you, stay polite and let time do the work.
Afterward
Send a thank-you message to the host within a day, and mention something specific about the visit. A short handwritten note is better still and is remembered for years.
Tip Ask your partner for one story about each person you will meet. People are easier to talk to when you already know something you like about them.
