What the role is
A good aunt, uncle or godparent is a trusted adult who is not a parent. You can be the person who takes a child's interests seriously, who is unshockable and who has time. That position is earned by repetition. A child who sees you four times a year in a crowd knows you as a relative, and a child who spends an afternoon alone with you every month or two knows you as a person. If you live far away, a short video call on a regular day and real mail addressed to the child do much of the same work.
Follow the parents' lead
The parents set the rules on sugar, screens, bedtime, language and what films are suitable, and your job is to uphold those rules even when you find them excessive. Being the fun one does not mean being the one who undermines.
- Ask before posting a photograph of the child anywhere online.
- Ask before giving a gift that is large, loud, alive or comes with a screen.
- Ask before driving the child anywhere, and use the car seat exactly as the parents have installed it.
- Ask what the child is allergic to before you feed them.
Offer specific help to the parents as well. "I can take the kids on Saturday from ten until two" is worth more than any toy.
Gifts that last
Give time and experiences over objects: a trip to the zoo, a fishing lesson, a standing birthday lunch. If you would like to give money, ask whether the parents have opened a 529 college savings plan, since most plans accept contributions from anyone. Treat siblings evenly, because children keep exact accounts.
Confidences and the godparent question
As the child grows, you may hear things the parents do not. Keep ordinary confidences, and never promise to keep a secret that involves the child's safety. Say so in advance: "You can tell me anything, and if it is about you being in danger, I will get you help."
A godparent is a religious or honorary role, not a legal one. It gives you no custody rights if the parents die. Guardianship is decided by a court, guided by the guardian the parents named in their wills, so if the parents intend that to be you, they must put it in writing.
Tip Put the child's birthday in your calendar with a reminder two weeks ahead, and mail something every year without fail. Children notice who remembers.
