The first days
A funeral home files the death certificate and, in most cases, notifies Social Security. Federal rules require funeral homes to give prices by phone and to hand you an itemized price list, and you may decline any item on it, so it is reasonable to call two or three. Look for written wishes, a prepaid plan or military discharge papers, since veterans are entitled to burial benefits. Someone should secure the house, collect the mail, take in any pets and move valuables to a safe place. Keep a notebook for every call, name and reference number.
The estate, in order
- You find the will and identify the executor it names.
- The executor opens probate in the county court if the estate requires it. Small estates often qualify for a simplified process, and the rules vary by state.
- The executor notifies banks, insurers, pension administrators, and the three credit bureaus, with a certified death certificate for each.
- The executor files the final income tax return for the year of death.
Life insurance and accounts with named beneficiaries pass directly to those people, outside the will. Do not pay the deceased person's debts out of your own pocket. Debts are owed by the estate, and children are generally not liable unless they cosigned. Any Social Security payment received for the month of death must be returned. A probate attorney is worth the fee when there is a house, a business or a family dispute.
When it is a grandparent
Your parent has just lost a parent, and your job is to make that easier. Take on concrete tasks, such as airport runs, food, the photo display or the phone calls to distant relatives. Ask for a story or two and write them down. Most employers offer three to five days of bereavement leave for immediate family, though no federal law requires it, so ask what your policy covers.
Grief on its own schedule
Grief does not move through tidy stages. It comes in waves, often weeks after the funeral, when everyone else has gone back to normal. The first year of birthdays and holidays is hard in ways you can predict, so plan those days instead of enduring them. Avoid large decisions such as selling the house for six months if the finances allow. Hospice programs usually offer families free bereavement support for about a year.
Note When you write to someone else who is grieving, name the person who died and share one specific memory. That is the letter people keep.
