The formula
Every good compliment has two parts: the specific thing you noticed, and the effect it had. "Nice presentation" is pleasant and forgotten by lunch. "The way you opened with the customer's own email made the whole room sit up" tells the person exactly what worked and that someone was paying attention.
Aim at what the person chose or worked for. A compliment on a jacket praises their taste, one on a well-run meeting praises their preparation, and one on patience with a difficult client praises their character. Compliments on features someone was born with tend to feel like an appraisal, and from a stranger or a coworker they can feel like something worse.
Rules for different rooms
At work, compliment the work. Appearance is off the table, with a narrow exception for a plain remark about a choice, such as "great glasses," delivered once and without a lingering look. Praise given in front of others counts double, and praise sent in writing to the person's manager counts more than that.
With a stranger, keep it to a choice, keep it brief and keep moving: "That's a terrific coat," said in passing, asks nothing of the person. A compliment that holds someone in place while you wait for a response has become a request.
With people close to you, the rarest compliments are about who they are: "You're the person everyone calls when something goes wrong, and I don't think you know how unusual that is."
Mistakes that spoil it
- The backhanded compliment contains a comparison to a worse past, as in "you look so much healthier now."
- The surprised compliment, such as "that was actually good," reveals what you expected.
- The compliment with a request stapled to it teaches people to brace whenever you are kind.
- The remark about weight, lost or gained, is a gamble even when it is meant kindly, because you do not know the reason behind the change.
Taking one
The correct response to a compliment is "Thank you," possibly followed by "that means a lot," and then a full stop. Deflecting with "this old thing" or "I got lucky" tells the giver their judgment was wrong and makes them repeat themselves. You do not owe a compliment in return, and a reflexive one sounds like what it is.
Tip When you catch yourself thinking something admiring about a person, say it within the day. Most compliments die as thoughts.
