Why it is hard
People speak at roughly 150 words a minute and think several times faster, so your mind has spare capacity during every conversation. It spends that capacity rehearsing a reply, judging what it hears or drifting toward dinner. Listening is the discipline of pointing the spare capacity back at the speaker: what they are saying, what they are leaving out, and how they seem to feel about it.
The mechanics
- Put the phone out of sight, not face down on the table, because a visible phone tells the speaker they are competing with it.
- Face the person and let them finish, including the pause after the last sentence, which is often where the real point arrives.
- Wait a full second or two before you answer, which proves you were not simply waiting for your turn.
- Say back the core of what you heard in your own words: "So the promotion came through, but it means moving to Phoenix."
- Name the feeling if one is obvious: "That sounds exhausting." If you guess wrong they will correct you, and the correction is useful too.
- Ask one question about their story before you offer anything from your own.
Four ways listeners fail
The hijack answers their story with a bigger one of yours: "That happened to me, only worse." The fix supplies a solution nobody requested. The interrogation fires factual questions that serve your curiosity rather than their point. The finish completes their sentences, usually incorrectly. All four move the spotlight from the speaker to you, and people notice the move even when they cannot name it.
Advice or an ear
When someone brings you a problem, find out early which kind of help they want. Say, "I'm happy to just listen, or to help you think through options, whichever is more useful." Most of the time the answer is to listen, and most unwanted advice is given by people who skipped this step.
When you drift
Everyone loses the thread now and then. Nodding through it is the worse option, because it gets caught three sentences later. Say, "I lost you for a second at the part about the lease, give me that again." It costs a little pride and buys a good deal of trust.
Tip After your next long conversation, try to recall three specific things the other person said. If you can only remember your own lines, you have your answer about how well you listened.
